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| The
following essay is from an intermediate level writing student studying
a compulsory first year writing course at university.
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Hi. How are you? Here’s
my comparison and contrast essay. Can you proof and edit it for me?
Topic: Compare and contrast two restaurants you have eaten in.
In my life,
I have eaten in lots of restaurants. However, the most two restaurants I like
most are the “
The “
Secondly,
the Georges Place has a menu full of all kinds of food like seafood, chicken,
all kinds of birds, grilled meat and raw meat, and all kinds of salads. In
addition, all the foods are very tasty and the service is excellent and quick.
On the other hand, “Chops Sticks” doesn’t have as many kinds of foods as the
“
Finally,
the prices at the “
In conclusion, both restaurants are good but there is a one that has much more convenient that the other which is the “George Place” restaurant so if you want to pass a great day, away from the city noise, all you have to do is visit there.
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Hi, thanks for your essay. I’ve read through it and here are my comments. The corrected essay is at the bottom.
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Structure
and organization |
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1. |
The essay needs a title. Think of a title that summarizes
the main idea of the essay. |
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2. |
The structure and organization is generally good. You
have a thesis statement and five clear paragraphs. |
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3. |
The introduction is a little short. The introduction
doesn’t need to be very long, but another two or three sentences would
have been better. You could talk about the different types of restaurants
in |
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Most people will assume that Chop Sticks offers Chinese
food, but you don’t say what kind
of food George’s Place offers, so the reader doesn’t know. Always ask
yourself, “Will the reader know this? I guess George’s Place offers
Lebanese food. Use a sentence such as George’s Place
offers Lebanese cuisine and Chop Sticks offers Chinese fare.
Note the synonyms for food (cuisine and fare). |
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4. |
The body paragraphs are uneven. You have a big paragraph
comparing and contrasting the location of the restaurant, but only two
short paragraphs about the food and the price. The body paragraphs should
all be about the same length. |
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5. |
Again, consider your audience. In Paragraph 2 you mention
Spinneys, but you don’t say what it is. Will your audience
know what Spinneys is? Only at the end of
the paragraph does the reader find out it is a supermarket. Most people
will know Burger King or McDonalds, but you need to
say what Spinneys is the first time
you mention it, otherwise the reader may become confused and lose interest
in your work. |
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6. |
In the paragraph about food, you could give some more
details about the ingredients. For
example, you could compare spices or vegetables. Lebanese and Chinese
food are very different so there are many details you can give here.
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7. |
Again, remember to think about your audience. I do not live in Lebanon, so I do not know how much 150,000 lira is. Use a relative clause to give the price in an international currency, such as dollars. It costs one hundred and fifty thousand lira, which is approximately twenty US dollars. If your audience is mainly from Europe, use euros. |
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Also,
you say the meal in Chop Sticks was for two people, but we don’t know
how many people can eat for 150,000 lira at George’s Place. It’s easier
if we can compare the cost of a meal for two in one restaurant with
a meal for two in another restaurant. |
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8. |
The conclusion mentions ‘convenience’. This is a new
point that is not mentioned in the thesis statement. Remember the conclusion
should generally only summarize the points in the essay. Again, see
our unit on |
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Grammar and vocabulary |
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General points |
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1. |
Have a look at our grammar unit on Comparatives and superlatives. This will help you with your sentence structure. |
| 2. | Some
of your sentences have too much repetition. Look at your sentence here.
In contrast, the Chop Sticks is not as big
as the George’s Place room,
and it contains far fewer tables than the “ |
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3. |
Also look at our unit on run-ons. Some of your sentences are very long and contain more than one main idea. This makes them confusing. See the bottom of the page too. |
| 4. | We use the word 'curtains' for fabrics that cover windows inside a house. On the terrace we would use the term 'canvas' (a heavy waterproof fabric) or perhaps 'plastic screens' (if plastic) |
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5. |
Our unit on articles will also be useful for you. |
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6.. |
Proper nouns such as the names of restaurants need capital letters. |
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7. |
There is no need to put the names of the restaurants in quotation marks. |
| 8. | Vocabulary such as 'stuff' is not used in formal essays. |
| 9. | Phrases such as 'we mustn't forget' or 'we must remember' are more typical of a spoken or informal style of writing. Either leave it out completely or use a more impersonal structure using such as "It must be noted that... See our units on There/ It as Empty Subjects and The Passive. |
Your corrected essay
is as follows:
George’s Place or Chop Sticks?
In my life, I have eaten in lots
of restaurants. However, the most two restaurants I
like most are the the two restaurants that I like the most are the George’s Place
at Jounieh and Chop Sticks, which is in
Spinneys department store in Achrafieh. But
I like George’s Place more than Chop Sticks because of the
restaurant size, its location, the food and the price.Your paragraph talks about the location
more than the size.
The George's
Place is a beautiful restaurant situated on the beach at Jounieh.
It has seventy tables placed in a big room
dining area,
where people sit during winter. The dining area is surrounded by windows It
also has a big outside garden terrace, which is surrounded by curtains to
block the sun from entering and annoying someone and containing fifty tables,
and this terrace is only used at the summer. which looks out onto
a big outside garden terrace. The terrace has fifty tables, but is only
used in summer. Canvas screens surround the terrace to protect people from
the sun. Furthermore, it has a great view of the sea so
you can watch the ships sailing by and enjoy your dinner without
any noise in peace and quiet.
In contrast, the Chop Sticks is not as big as
the George’s Place room,
and it contains far fewer tables than the “
Secondly, the
food at the two restaurants is very different. It is best to have
a clear topic sentence. the George's Place has a menu full of all kinds of
food like The way you use 'like' here is typical of informal
spoken English. This essay is formal, so use 'such as'. such as
seafood, chicken, all kinds of birds, grilled meat and raw meat, and all kinds
of salads. In addition, the food is tasty and the service
is excellent and quick. On the other hand, Chops Sticks does not have
as many kinds of foods as the George’s Place. but
it offers seafood and chicken and other kinds but not in the same way that
the George Farouk does. Although
it offers seafood and chicken, they are not cooked in the same way.
Give
details here – how is the food cooked differently?
But we can’t forget that the Chops Sticks also provides
a good service and a
tasty food Uncountable nouns do not need articles when used in
a general sense.
Since the food is tasty and the service is good at both restaurants,
it would be better to use this comparison to introduce your topic sentence
and then move onto the contrasts. Although
both George’s Place and Chop Sticks offer great service and tasty food, the
type of food they serve is very different.
Finally, the prices at the “George Place
restaurant are not so expensive it means you pay one hundred and fifty thousand
lira but you get a table full of all kinds of food, unlike the “Chops Sticks”,
where you pay a lot to get a little. This is a very long sentence and contains a
run- on. You need a better topic sentence with one main idea. Finally, the cost of eating at the two restaurants
is very different. A meal for two at George’s Place costs …
, which is about twenty US dollars, and you get a table full of all
different kinds of food. On the other hand, a meal for two at Chop Sticks costs ….
and the portions are much smaller. For example,
the last time my friends and
I ordered a duck meal and shrimp rice it cost us
fifty thousand lira, or around 10 US dollars, which is expensive for
two small plates. Good example. Note, however, that you need to expand the paragraph. Give more details about the cost. Are
you expected to give tips? How do prices for beverages compare? What about
the cost of getting to the restaurant? These details are relevant to cost
and could help you add more comparisons and contrasts to the paragraph.
In conclusion, both restaurants are good
but there is a one that has much more convenient that the other which is the
“George’s Place” restaurant so if you want to pass a great
day, away from the city noise, all you have to do is visit that place. One
sentence should only have one main idea. Your conclusion has more than one
main idea and is confusing. Break it down so that you have two sentences.
Adverb phrase: In conclusion,
One main idea: both
George’s Place and Chop Sticks offer delicious food.
Adverb phrase: However,
Subordinate clause:
if I had to choose between the two,
One main idea: I
would have to recommend George’s Place
Subordinate clause: because
of its superior location and affordable cost.
Well that’s it for this essay. I hope you have found my comments helpful. If you have any questions, send me an email.
I look forward to your next assignment.
All the best,
Barry
English Writing Online
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